I will never forget the day when I placed my precious baby girl into my mother’s arms and had to say goodbye forever. I had one hour to tell her that I loved her with more love than I had ever known was possible. One hour to say goodbye. I tried to memorize every detail of her perfect face, her cupid bow lips, long lashes, and dark luscious hair. I caressed her soft velvet cheeks and moved my hands gently over her tiny little fingers and toes. I gave her one last kiss and as my tears wet her little face, I felt as if my heart was literally going to rip from my chest. I bundled her tightly one last time and handed her to my mother who took V in her arms and walked away to take her to her new mommy. As I watched the door close behind her I thought my excruciating pain was going to be unbearable to endure.
I wear my title of birthmother proudly, because I know personally that the decision to place your child for adoption is made with the purest intentions and is the ultimate sacrifice to give your child a better life. I believe every child deserves to be born into a family with a loving mother and father with stability. These were things I was unable to provide for my child during this time.
So many emotions filled my heart as I looked at the bright blue positive sign; fear, excitement, shame, doubt and love. I was 19 years old I had no other education other than my high school diploma. At the time, I was not living my life to the values and standards which I had been raised with and which I knew to be true. The father of my child wanted nothing to do with me or the baby and told me to have an abortion, one which he would gladly pay for. That was never an option!
It took me two weeks to get the courage to tell anyone I was pregnant and when I did, I finally told my mom. To be honest she wasn’t very surprised considering how I was living my life. She asked if I was going to place the baby for adoption. I was so mad at her for even asking me that! How dare she even think that would be an option? After some heated conversations she advised me to talk with my local church leader to seek additional council. My church leader sent me home with some literature about adoption and some videos of birthmothers who shared their personal stories. He told me that ultimately it was my decision, one that should be made with much prayer.
I read every piece of paper hoping to find something that was in my favor, proving to myself and my mother that adoption was not the right choice. However, while watching the birthmother’s stories, I was overcome with the spirit so strongly in my heart and to the depths of my soul. I knew without a doubt that this baby girl was meant to come into this world through me, yet she was not mine. I knew God had a plan for her and that adoption was the best choice for my unborn child.
Making this decision was not easy. It still stung deeply and at times it was unbearable to imagine the day when I would need to say goodbye. I clung to my Savior, Jesus Christ. Through prayer and scripture reading I immersed myself in His love and felt as if I was being carried through these sacred and difficult times.
The time came to find baby girl her parents. I was terrified. What if I made the wrong decision? How would I know or choose? It was a very heavy burden. I fell to my knees and begged and pleased with the Lord that His hands would lead the way. I sat in front of the bright computer screen, my heart pounding and typed in my first search. A man and woman popped up instantly. “Too nerdy for my kid,” I thought, after reading that the dad liked Star Trek. So I kept scrolling. After reviewing a few more parents, I refined my search. Again, this couple was the first to pop up and again I passed them by. I refined my search even more and once again they were the first to come up. This time, I knew I needed to pay closer attention and read their entire profile. While reading about this couple, I came across a letter the potential mother had written specifically to the birth mom. As I read the letter, my eyes filled with tears. I knew without a doubt that the letter was inspired and written exactly for ME. The spirit was so strong and I knew God had fulfilled His promise to me. These two people were V’s parents.
There were many more miracles and tender mercies that happened to bring us all together, but that is another story. I officially extended the invitation to this couple to be V’s adopted parents and after hundreds of emails sent back and forth, I had complete peace with my decision.
After I said my final goodbye’s to V, I laid in my bed with my empty tummy and my empty arms and a heart that had been torn apart. As I look back now I wish I could tell myself that the pain was going to pass and that my heart would not only be healed but it would grow a million times bigger.
I wish I could tell myself that in the future I would be able to help hundreds of other girls feel at peace with making their own ultimate sacrifice and to hold their heads high. I wish I could tell myself that not only would I get to see V again, but that I would get to see her grow and become a beautiful, happy young woman. That I would start my own eternal family and have more children that would also get to meet and play with V and that our families would form a tight bond and be united.
Placing V was one of the hardest decisions I have ever made. It took 100% of my faith and trust in God. Trust that we are truly His children and that the children we are given in this life are not ours but His. We are entrusted with these sweet miracle children and it is up to us to give them the best life possible. I am honored to be V’s birthmother. To all the birth moms out there, you are so strong and so amazing and your child will be blessed because of your sacrifice. You put your child’s needs above your own. You were given a choice and you made the most selfless one. You will bless not only your child but also deserving parents whose hearts are now full and complete.
You can check out another fabulous Adoption Month story HERE.
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