It’s been over 5 Year’s now. 10, since my journey to become a mother started. Often, it just seems like yesterday. Other times, an eternity. From the outside looking in, most just think I’m a typical mom of 2 beautiful children. In reality, that’s all that I am, my path just started a little bit differently than most.
I remember the day like it was yesterday. The words, “I’m so sorry, the results were negative. You aren’t pregnant like we had hoped.” It was about the 40th time, I had heard or seen something like that. This time was different though. Something felt more definite, more empty. At first I just thought, we will try another time, but, very quickly my mind thought of the 6 weeks prior. Countless injections, bruising, 19 extra pounds, and I was pretty emotionally unstable. I wasn’t sure I could do that again. Working a full time job and then some, I really wasn’t sure how I had made it through.
I then moved onto bitterness. I was mad. I was confused. I was lost. Why me? I was young, healthy, and happy. Literally, everything a new mother should be. The doctor told us over and over, everything we faced with infertility, was no big deal. Yet, there I was not pregnant, again.
My husband had brought up adoption before, and it made me really mad. Adoption meant I was giving up. I never give up, that’s just not me. I avoided anything and everything that had to do with adoption.
One night, my husband had issues with his car and a man from the service station gave him a ride to get a rental car for the weekend. When he got home, he was so excited to tell me about the conversation they had while driving. I listened. He proceeded to tell me the man had 3 children. One through IVF, (I listened up to that point), and two others through adoption. I lost it. I don’t even remember the words that I said, but I know they weren’t nice. We went to bed not talking. The next day I woke up, as I had been the previous day-angry and bitter. Little did I know that day would change my life forever.
I decided to pray before I left for the day. Not just my usual “please let me get pregnant”. I had finally decided, I had no control in the situation, so I should try something else. I prayed. I washed my hands of “trying” and said “show me what I need to do.” Tell me where and when, I will forget the why. Instantly, I felt odd. I felt unlike I had in years. I wasn’t sure if I just felt better for feeling like I finally let go, or because I hadn’t ever prayed like that before.
I headed out for the day. As I drove, I noticed a new billboard. I had driven the same route to work for 6 years, so I looked to see what was new. It was a sign for the local church’s adoption and counseling center. Real funny I thought. I had to stop at my happy place, Target. I browsed a minute, got the things I needed, and walked to the front to checkout. The women ahead of me were having a very serious conversation. Then, I heard that word again, ADOPTION! The lady had 3 adopted children and the other’s sister had 2 adopted children. Really? I moved on and went to work.
Thankfully, that day I was busy. At lunch, I sat at my computer and scanned all of my emails. One specifically caught my attention. That word, ADOPTION, was there AGAIN. I worked for a school where we had presentations once or twice a year, that offered options if any of the girls became pregnant and needed resources. We had also done pampering nights before, for women effected by adoption. I had avoided them like the plague. There was the email, asking if we could setup another event the upcoming month. After that I sat in silence. Was I suppose to be seeing it? Was it just life’s weird karma because, I had been so horrible to my husband the night before?
I finished my day and went home. My heart was filled with a new emotion as I passed the billboard. I cried. I talked to my husband and told him I would “look into it”. Still thinking as my stubborn self, that the day was just a random coincidence, I called the number on the billboard. They proceeded to tell me, they had an orientation in 2 days and then not again for another month. I thought, well let’s just get it over with. I just knew, my husband would change his mind after he got the details.
As I walked in, I wanted to feel anxious, but I didn’t. As we sat and listened, I waited for my sign to know that it really wasn’t the right decision. It never came. The meeting wrapped up and they gave us a packet to fill out if we chose to move forward. I picked it up, wanting to know what was inside. As we left, my husband asked what I thought, I turned the question around on him. He said, he thought it was the right decision. I waited for my previous fury, and then I just muttered “me too.”
In that moment I was weightless. My stress seemed to completely disappear. I knew, for once, that adoption was my answer. I was signing up for this crazy journey, that so many feared, but for me, finally, it felt right.
My daughter was born almost one year to the day that we went to that orientation. 9 months, exactly, after we had completed our paperwork. I watched as she came into the world, I knew that very instant, that this was the moment all the waiting was for. Her birth mother and I shared that moment in so many different ways. However, only one true emotion was there, LOVE. I watched tears stream down my husband’s face and I knew, I knew we were right where we were suppose to be. My daughter, just turned 4 in August. My son turned 2 in July. Both found us in very different ways. Both by this perfect plan known by one word, ADOPTION.
It seems like just yesterday, that we started our journey to become a family, but I can’t remember life without my two babies. Our children didn’t come like I had planned. They came when I decided to live. To open my heart and let love find its way in. There’s so much more to our adventure, much of it unwritten. There is no denying getting to where I am today, was by far the hardest part. I share this for those mamas who may be “there”. Who may be feeling like they are giving up. I can promise that the path isn’t easy but, it’s more than worth it. I still haven’t given up- 10 year’s in the making. 5 since my heart was forever changed. 2 beautiful littles, and were at it for the 3rd time. We hope and pray there’s another little one out there on their way.
To learn more about us and our journey check out our adoption website Ourperfectlyimperfect.com
You can check out another fabulous Adoption Month story HERE.
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